Of All The Things You Could Give

Of all the things you could give

give yourself time

time to find

your path in life

time to figure out

how to fly

how to cocoon and die

to the parts about you

you don't want to survive

how to reinvent

the process in your mind

of coming into your own

and learning how to thrive

time, all you need is time

the most precious gift

that's one of a kind

in every walk in life

to let it go

and let yourself shine

of all the things you could give

just give yourself time

-kayls

Before We Can Heal

I turned the on switch off

as if it was as simple as that

I blocked out 

any idea that popped in my head
I stopped looking for answers in 

every coffee shop

and instead

I focused on myself

for once;

for the first time;

in my life

I was no longer in need 

searching for any and everything

to fill me

this void

remained empty

and as weird as it seemed

that was what was healthy

sometimes the emptiness

reminds us

we are human beings

with feelings

who need to actually feel

before we can heal

-kayls

The Easy and The Hard

It’s not easy to talk about depression when you don’t currently feel that way

but read back on when you used to

it’s hard to talk about home issues

it’s hard to talk about faith 

and making so many dumb mistakes 

and not accepting my shitty version of grace

it’s hard to bare my heart on this page 

and let whoever wants to read 

learn all about my fate

being stuck in the nature of my day to day

routine-

it’s slowly sucking the life out of me

it’s not easy

but each entry 

makes the pain of the truth

a little less messy

a canvas of healing

starting from the beginning 

until a beautiful work of art 

is made out of the easy and the hard

-kayls

Sinking Deep

I’m in my emotions

I fully know when I step into this space

there is no escape

it’s like the bourbon in my heart ignites

and the light to my mind grows dim

my spirit starts humming my favorite melody

inviting me

into a place I have no control over

but I feel beckoned by the sound

the aroma whispers it’s going to be safe

but that never seems to be the case

I toss and turn in my emotions

I am restless and irrational in my emotions

I listen to lies

and believe them

but yet every time

I feel the warm invitation

I forget every lesson I have learned

and dive in

-kayls

Glow

Our smiles don’t glow the same way

they don’t illuminate warmth

through this screen

we’re hanging on to something

that only shows the worst we have to bring

I can’t smell your neck

I can’t run my fingers through your hair

I can’t catching you staring at me 

from across the seat

scrunching your face when our eyes finally meet

this distance is getting to me

not in the miles

but in the emotion I see leave your face

every time we speak

-kayls

Alone

Alone.

that feeling likes to creep in 

when I least expect it

my room can be my solitude or my battle ground

it can be the place I make love to you

or where I cry so deeply you can’t hear a sound

it’s funny how a moment can change all the things you used to embrace

how cologne can replace the familiarity of your face

i’m always alone

-kayls

YOU

I wonder

did you tell her about me

the way you told me about her

did you compare every word she’d speak

to the tune of another girl

did you play on her emotions

of being the first man she ever loved

or did you reserve that torture for me

like your feelings were all just a bluff

did you apologize to her kindly

for not being there for her

or did you save all your “sorry’s”

to use on me at the bar

did you bring up good times

and get her to trust you again

or were your intentions always malicious

because you knew how it’d end

did you spend time with her family

or waste her time privately

Honest to God,

did you ever even think of me?

did you ever think what you did was wrong?

or was it all just a game and i’m the dumb one

who played along 

did you think you would hurt me?

or was that always your goal?

did you know that your silent release

would forever leave a toll?

my heart is shattered 

while hers get to mend

cause all I get to keep is

knowing I wasn’t enough in the end

-kayls

The Ghost

I’ve always wanted to haunt you

but it seems you haunt me instead

I guess I prefer it that way

you’re always a ghost in my head

you linger in my mind

when I have no control of my thoughts

you infect my dreams

drawing me close

like a light to a moth

I awake in sweats

water drips down my skin

like your fingertips

I almost forget

you're not here

you're not real

just a distant memory

one I wish I’d regret

yet, every night I rush to bed

dressed in my very best

hoping to see you, 

just one more time

a hit of your love

like that last cigarette 

but it’s never just one

see you’re hard to quit

cause your ghost is more loving

than you have ever been

-kayls

I could do it

Believe me, I could do it

I could walk away

and say

I know that I am worth the wait

I know I’m worth more than he’s willing to give

I don’t know who else I’ve got to convince

me or him

but believe me,

I could do it

-kayls

Promise Keeper

He didn’t choose me

until the end

again

how many times will my love come in last?

he knows just how to play on my bleed heart strings

and make it sound like a symphony 

drawing me in closer

mesmerized by the lies of his love

hoping to hear passion

through the very worst plucks

and I suck it up

because while he might play me last

his song would never be complete without me

that's why I never leave

his melody makes promises he could never keep

priorities

-kayls

You

Maybe it wasn’t really you

but just the idea of you I hold onto

the idea of a warm body 

lying next to me

eager to be near me

the idea of a hand to hold

on a long drive 

or when it gets cold

placing my trust in a man

who sees my worth

and understands

it was never you

but everything

you

represents

-kayls

Fill Me

There is this bottle in my body

eroding quickly by its filling

I try to empty it, rapidly

but all that flows is toxicity

the second the cap comes undone

out flows all the lies of all my fun

it tells me conflicting information

like,

“you'll never be loved

and look at all you've lost out on”

nobody is counting but God

and I have sins stacking by the ton

every decision I make is driven by deep sadness

filling my bottle with complete madness

there is no space for it to die

there is not space for it to thrive

so I have no choice but to empty it slowly

and work through every lie

this bottle likes to tell me

one by one

you're too far gone

one by one

don't ever long

but the ironic thing it's not the bottle that I empty

it's me

so desperately trying to heal things

see there was never a bottle to begin with

but a broken heart that needed mended

I tried my best

but did not succeed

all my solutions turned into a disease

that pumped through my blood and screamed

I am not enough

and I believed

my God my God, I am not enough

my God my God, why is this so tough

but He reminded me

my heart has a key with more authority

I have a spirit living in me

that rose Christ from the dead

and set me free

I am no longer a slave to the lies of the enemy

but a new creation that has been redeemed

my God, my God, He has not forsaken me

my God, my God, He still finds worth in me

so when i'm lying broken on the ground

and I don't know what to speak

all I have to whisper is

Holy Spirit

come in

and fill me

-kayls

Deep Battles

A battle cries

a familiar tune

deep inside my spirit

it’s gut wrenching to hear

it sucks all my passions

and all my desires

right out of my air

I gasp for deeper breathing

but I feel like I am drowning

deeper and deeper I sink

deeper and deeper I cry

this battle feels like a war

ripping out my insides

and you can't tell from just looking at me

but somewhere deep within

my body is floating lifeless

from a battle I did not win

-kayls

Introducing Me

I have a tendency of introducing me 

to my next season 

like it’s a warning-

a constant sabotage 

on who I can be

all because of who was-once-me

I shake the hand of my future

with a smirk that speaks

you'll learn to hate her, just wait and see

and eventually, you’ll know what I mean

but what would happen

if I left her in the past

if I never let her meet me

and I threw away the mask

the one that bounds me

to historically repeat

the same mistakes 

and the same defeats

what would happen

if she didn't have a say

if she didn't hold the power

over how viewed my day

if I left her broken pieces in the mess she made herself

if I separated her problems from me, and I learned to go and get help

how clear would I think

and how peaceful I would be

if I could learn 

to stop letting her introduce me

-kayls

Normal People

I wish I were a great artist

one who could capture the look you gave me

just perfectly

the gaze that screamed you loved me

with a gentle smirk on your face

your blue eyes are safe in my reflection

here and always

the soft lighting

caressing your skin

intensifies my heart beat

deep within

if I were a great artist

i’d start right there

in the space where your skin touches air

in all of existence 

i've never seen a lovelier pair 

-kayls

Reading Minds

It’s almost as if

I can read your thoughts

when you lie there

next to me

it's almost as if

you engage in conversation 

when our eyes finally meet

your subtle movements

whisper sweet nothings

through the air

of our bedsheets

and when you brush the hair out of my face

and press your lips to mine

I know I'm not the only one reading minds
-kayls

Was us?

I was so in love with you 

when I was 16

the kind of love that

makes you do crazy things

I promised I’d keep us a secret

having you privately was better than nothing

I thought

but I mistook how much more 

my love grew

for thinking you felt 

the same way too

but you never loved me

and I think deep down I knew

I tried to cast you under a spell of lust

hoping someday something more would come of us

I see now, how naive I was

but that’s what happens 

when you think you’re in love

eventually you’ll leave

to better, prettier things

and I’ll be left in the dust 

with a silly imagination of what I thought was trust

-kayls

Depature

I wish our departure was smooth

but it was rough and inexperienced 

not everything made it out alive -----

somehow i'm still standing here

even though my heart did not survive

-kayls

Pieces

You took pieces

over years and years

and I never noticed at first

they were so small in the beginning

oh, just a piece of my trust here

a piece of my heart there

‘til overtime I felt

a wholeness disappear 

the little added up

you took all the best for yourself

you didn't exchange or replace

you just left the empty bits 

collapse in its space

you watched me crumble

and then said I changed

you made me feel unlovable 

and unworthy of grace

see you took so much of me 

I don't even know what's left

I don't know how to function

or even think for myself

i’m so scared that anything I say

will unknowingly give more of myself away

because how did I let someone take 

all of my joy and all of my love

and then make me feel like I was the one insane

-and I took the blame

while you took all of me

but I will learn

and grow from this

and eventually

i’ll hold the strongest piece

-kayls

Seasons

I’ve had my fair share of weeping seasons

of feeling scattered without reason

I’m growing tired

of all this waiting

in hopes of reaping

joy that’s never ceasing

yet, this is Your promise

that my heart clings to

when I’m too exhausted, to even move

I find myself walking 

out into the fields

carrying deep seeds

in prayer that it heals

all of my heartaches, all of my mistakes

all of my loneliness, and all of my shame

for I know You are faithful

and I know that I am not alone

so I will keep planting 

until Your harvest is done

for this is just a season

but Your work has only just begun

-kayls